What Wall Street needs right now, is a good gang war…

Look at ’em, sittin’ there. Too big to run fast. Too busy poppin’ bottles. Too busy scheming their next moves. They won’t even see it coming. Listen up y’all, I’m serious. Let’s just straight jack these fools…

They’re getting soft anyway. JP is making big bets at the table, getting slapped around. Capt. Morgan is blaming Henry Blodget for the loaded deck of Facebook cards being dealt. C-low Citi is on the phone with their bookie right now trying to figure out how to scrape together enough money to make one last bet on the track trifecta while double-fisting beers at the poker table. BToTheA is straight trippin’ thinking they’re gonna get their brokers to start hustling banking products. All chumps, still playing the same games.

“What’s this button do? Can we get a Twitter account too?”

Not one new product or idea is coming from The Street that anyone actually wants to talk about, well except that Facebook chalk outline laying in the middle of Times Square. Or maybe how the big firms are finally joining Twitter.

Everyday is the same. Everywhere I go all I seem to hear is BANG, BANG, BANG BANG. And just look at some of their wrap sheets:  Citigroup. Morgan StanleyMerrill Lynch. Are we seriously gonna keep taking this? When do we take back our neighborhood?

You know what Wall Street needs right now? A full-on gang war. I’m talking all-out-warfare in the streets. Forget this gentlemen’s league table mess, I’m ready to start swinging bare knuckles. I’m using elbows & ax kicks. I want to see some of their blood in the streets. Protect your nuts. This is personal.

Let’s show the 1% what happens when 99% of what they’ve been selling finally comes home to roost. Fortunately we don’t really have much competition when it comes to real innovation.

What? You’re going to give me cheap trading costs? PAALEEZZE. That’s how it always starts, the first hit’s free, right? Or how about some of your super awesome research? Oh, you’ve got another hot IPO to sell me? I gave at the office.

Really? You’ve got awesome investment products to “advise” me about? Vanguard is Jabba the Hut to your Han Solo, gobbling up assets left & right and you about to get locked out sucka. Index Funds are the future, you better catch up — or you’re about to see the next Apple turn you into Microsoft. This has been a long time coming, and Wall Street is about to get theirs.

When darkness be closin’ in
I’m motivated, with the howlin’ wind
with a list of chosen men, frozen in sin
Knowin that your end is beginnin’

You wanna know how to get Wall Street? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue. *That’s* the *Chicago* way! And that’s how you get Wall Street. Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that? I’m offering you a deal. Do you want this deal? This is how we do it…

Step one: investors, get off your lazy asses & start taking back what’s yours.

What’s the difference between me & you? I care. Just like my boy JB. Sure, I’ve got skin in the game, — but so do you.

All told, main street has trillions of dollars sitting in these firms & their products. You’re not dumb, you know how much the pile stinks. So, go ahead — keep playin’ three-card monte with your broker on the corner, but it’s time for you to re-think the odds of you winning. Especially when they’re plying you with the promise of a better tomorrow. I’m not talking about watching the nightly news to see how the S&P 500 did today — I’m talking about having a real understanding of what the investment world is selling you kiddies.

It’s not rocket science, I didn’t go to special ninja adviser school. I’ve made mistakes — you will too. Ultimately I’ve learned that if it’s too complicated to understand, don’t buy it. And when you finally do learn the game, I’m confident you’ll come to the same conclusion as me. You have a choice — keep playing or do the right thing. So, I want you to listen carefully to what I’m about to tell you…

It’s time to have to serious conversation with your advisor sitting behind their faux cherry desk at the local TBTF branch. It’s time for some tough love, Just say No. Tell them, “You need to either leave your TBTF bank in the next year, or I’m looking for a new advisor. I will no longer allow myself to endorse your firm terrorizing our streets.”

Click, Click– that’s the trigger. Safety’s off. And don’t be afraid to pull the trigger, it’s you or them. They’re in your house, holding your bag of money. There’s plenty of great choices waiting for you on the other side your decision. Plenty of qualified independent advisers with real solutions & services. Plenty of local and regional banks. Plenty of credit unions and online offerings. It’s time for an embargo on the Axis of Evil, shut down all trade relations. Take back your money. Hit ’em where it hurts.

And here’s the real mind-bender. When your advisor finally picks up their jaw off the floor, they’re probably going to say something like, “TBTF is a great place to work, we have so much access, and strength, I’ve got mouths to feed…” Stop them right there — “Tell me again, how many special favors and how much money the US government gave you. How much government cheese do you still have in your pantry? How much am I paying in extra taxes for your firm to keep giving me your next great idea? Explain to me why your disclosure page took me four hours to read…”

The sad reality is, chances are your advisor “can’t” leave because they’re fat-walleted butt is still waiting to cash that astronomical bonus check for switching you to their latest firm, especially if they’ve moved in the last ten years.Or maybe they took a check to stay to put in 2008 through all of the shotgun weddings of firms merging to stay afloat. Gotta love that hush money. They’re nothing more an indentured servant, and by association, your money is too.

You didn’t see Schwab or TD Ameritrade or Fidelity looking for a life raft, did you? Nope. I left in 2008, I was done with it. So, what’s your broker’s excuse? Their excuse is they’re sick, they’re addicted to money. Or they’re too lazy or ignorant about what’s going on to find a place that’s better for you and your money to live. And that’s who you’re listening to about your money, a delusional gambling addict with dollar signs in their eyes just hoping they live to see another tomorrow to do it all over again. And by the way, that bonus is almost completely based on how much of an earner you’ll be to the pimps in the firm. Don’t you get it? They sold you down the river. That’s the wirehouse game, end of story. Their friends will steal your TV while you’re sitting next to the keg at their house party listening to House of Pain.

So, get mad. Don’t let them twist the story. Don’t turn your back for a second. It’s your money on the table. Make your move, tell your neighbor to do the same. That’s how we start to win, when the whole neighborhood starts taking back the streets. The first move is yours to make.

Step two: Alright, these suckers are not going down without a fight. Get all the homies together, we gotta talk.

To Be Continued Next Week….

3 thoughts on “What Wall Street needs right now, is a good gang war…

  1. Pingback: Sunday links: celebrating losses | Abnormal Returns

  2. Mgk

    i am not quite sure why this author thinks fin. advisers benefit by working or not working at a TBTF brokergae firm…..your payout is the same whether at a UBS, MSSB or an indepedent brokerage firm (after your expsense) …oh and now all of these independents are in trouble for selling worthless non-traded reits.  the broker makes the SAME money whether the parent firm took tarp or not.  the ENTIRE industry is on the same scale. not a fair judgement that you claim FA’s benefitted at all from bailouts.

  3. iheartWallSt

    Actually, you’re making so incorrect statements.

    Independent brokers are not the same as an independent fee-only advisor. Fee-only advisors don’t “sell” anything. Secondly, the payout is not the same. Lastly, TBTF advisors ARE in business today because of the bailouts– how can anyone say otherwise?

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