Brokerus Maximus: The Branch Manager

This is the last in our series exploring the various species of the Brokerus Stockus, a near extinct but persistent, genus within the halls of Wall Street. This is not an analysis of independent advisers, an entirely related but separate breed. The first installation of our series explored The Alpha. The Second: Wile E. Coyote. Third: Brokerus Friendus- The Wholesaler.

Tonight we close our series with Brokerus Maximus: The Branch Manager.

The Branch Manager

The law of the land. The word. The man. The parent. The Branch Manager.

Runner of meetings. Waster of time. Forwarder of emails. Award-winning memo author. The Brokerus Maximus.

In ancient Rome they’d be called Doctore, the trainer of gladiators. Authoritative, well-meaning, & held in mixed regard among the troops. Nowadays? Park Ranger will do.

Born inside Wall Street, the Branch Manager is a very special species of the Brokerus Stockus genus with wide-ranging abilities including: diplomacy, deception, & douchebaggery. A nomadic creature, moving every 5 years, this purveyor of the company purse strings is best kept at arms-length. Never turn your back on this one.

Favorite Word: Firm. As in, ‘The Firm.’  “The Firm says, there’s nothing I can do.” “The Firm says, we need to…”

Favorite Hangout: Their office– complete with wall of fame, bookshelf donning Zig Zigler, Motivational Quotes, & Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (unopened). Lightly sprinkle with silent auction sports memorabilia, nautically themed wall art, and cushy chairs. A year’s supply of golf balls are almost always in the bottom right drawer of their desk.

Daily Activities: Playing solitaire or mine sweeper. Calling recruits with the promise of a better tomorrow & a huge bonus check. Filing another TPS report. They have an innate propensity to ritualistically roam the halls as well, readily offering a high-five to any colleague in their path.

Location Of Their Office: Within walking distance of the Wile E. Coyote brokers, to ensure quick castigation of any outgoing emails, but far enough to be out of earshot– successfully avoiding the constant complaining about obviously idiotic firm policy.

Favorite Investment: The one being presented over a meal by a Wholesaler.

Widely Accepted: If the branch were on Survivor Island, the Branch Manager would be the first one dead {or killed}.

Biggest Fear: Rogue trader; nobody likes a picnic basket thief. Except maybe Boo-Boo Bear.

Most Lovable Characteristic: They actually believe most of the stuff they are telling you.

Career Path: 3-5 years as an Advisor. Drink copious amounts of Kool-Aid. Perfect ass-kissing. Befriend a Branch Manager. Be appointed Sales Manager by said manager. Attend 6 offsite training sessions which include evenings of heavy drinking. Pucker up for 2 more years. Graduate to Branch Manager. From there? All the way to the top… Regional Manager.

Marker In The Wild: The branch’s location, within a farm league system of offices, is a reflection of one’s standing within the firm. Manager of Beverly Hills? Drinks the Kool-Aid from a champagne flute. The manager of the Allen, South Dakota branch? Vomited on the boss’s Persian rug at last year’s holiday party.

Pump Song:

Reference: Boo-Boo Bear – Wikipedia