dog-licking-lips

Brokerus Friendus: The Wholesaler

Welcome to our series exploring the various types of species of the Brokerus Stockus, a near extinct but persistent, genus within the halls of Wall Street. This is not an analysis of independent advisers, an entirely related but separate breed. 

See also: The Alpha, Brokerus Stockus: Wile E. CoyoteBrokerus Friendus: The Wholesaler & Brokerus Maximus: The Branch Manager.

Tonight we will explore: The Wholesaler.

The Wholesaler

You probably know one. He’s or she is a very nice, very normal person who travels a lot. The Wholesaler is by far the friendliest within the species. Spotted in the wild, this species of Brokerus Friendus tends to run in packs. Packs of brokers. The Wholesaler also tends to be the one to run for packs of late night smokes.

The Wholesaler was almost always a broker in a past life. They look with lonely puppy dog eyes at their cousins some days, Alpha & Wile E. Coyote.

They are a brokers’ best friend. I mean look at him. How you can not like this pup?

These dogs are paid a decent amount of bones each year. {these are the jokes kids} Their compensation is based on one thing— how much money went into their doghouse. They will use any legal means necessary. Golf outings, tickets to events (sporting & music), paraphernalia (aka Tchotchkes). On a daily basis they mark their territory with free meals among the various Brokerus Stockus packs. They will also run point at client events, ensuring a good time is had by all. Their evenings almost always will include trips to the bar &/or breaking into a bar (long story), & countless sessions of listening to brokers bark on about their almost perfect _____. Anything to make their masters smile, this dog is loyal to the end. The vomit-inducing blurry-eyed end.

Favorite word: ”We & Our”.  They will use it a ton. “We at Company X, are committed…” “…Yes, Our analysts think…” Within a herd of industry dogs, this will be their marker.

Favorite Sport: Golf. That’s when they are hanging out with the big dogs, talking big bucks.

Appearance: Non-wrinkle suit. A sensible pair of shoes. Their shirt or blouse will almost always be crinkled from the 100 miles with their seatbelt on. They will have golf shirts & extra clothes in the trunk of their car.

Motivator: Easy. They just want their job to be easy. Go. Tell the story. Feed the people. People put money in fund. Laugh & smile. Wag their tail along the way. Get treat. Chase squirrel. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

Best Friend: The only real interaction is with the other Wholesalers who can truly relate to this pack dog’s predicament. Any other interaction with other industry dogs involves incessant, mindless barking.

Location of their office: An A6 or Gate A23

Favorite Investment: A good one. They’re rare. And they know this. The sad part is when studies show 99% of your industry isn’t adding value– it’s a bitter pill to swallow. Have you ever seen a dog swallow a pill? It is not pretty.

Little Known Fact: They know where the bones are buried. Since they ply almost everyone in the industry (and clients) with copious amounts of merlot, they’ve heard stories from everyone — stories that would make your hair curl & your eyes cross. Affairs. Scandals. Intrigue. Most of them could make a killing if they started writing.

Biggest Fear: That people will really start buying index funds.

Career Path: If they are lucky enough to represent a bellweather name, they’re set. Otherwise it’s a tough road to hoe. A lot of travel. A lot of moving every 5 years. It’s really hard on marriages.

But the Brokerus Friendus is a worthy companion & a great dog to share stories with. Now if Wall Street would just start giving them better stories to tell…